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Fuck You And The Pizza You Rode In On

[Thieved with love from @gbPizzaCo]

Note: Some information/names have been changed to obscure identities
Prologue
An order of a large, plain cheese pizza was sent to my address on Monday night. It was after 11pm, I was asleep, so it was only my flatmate who endured the repeated ringing of our doorbell, mildly concerned for her safety. When insomnia woke me at 2am, sure enough I had six missed calls from the pizza place and the delivery driver. And the email confirmation of the order itself. Hey! Your pizza is on its way!

Hey Mykal!

Mykal.

That’s my ex, by the way. Like me, he has a common name with an uncommon spelling.

I spent the next three hours quietly anguished, grateful for friends in different time zones who kept me sane. I fell back asleep around 5.

The upcoming Eroticon weekend marks a full year since this all began. Maybe you remember Joy and I tweeting baffled statements about pizza deliveries and password resets. I remember sleeping less than ten hours over two nights in the hotel, being irritable and confused, and the reassurances that this would all die down when I was safely back home.

A year is a long time when you’re waiting for something to die down and stay dead.

A Timeline
Friday 15th March 2019 – On the way back from the Friday night Eroticon social with Joy and LLL, I get an email stating “your pizza is ready”, and brush it off as spam. Walking from the bus stop to the hotel, a second email “We’re in the lobby with your pizza.”

Weird, don’t delivery drivers usually ring or text? But anyway, I didn’t order a pizza.

When we get in, there’s a delivery driver in the hotel lobby.

Weird.

We go up to our room. The phone rings “There’s a pizza for you.” We tell them we didn’t order that, and when they ring again a couple of hours later, and then again later still, we repeat ourselves, tired and confused.

Saturday 16th March 2019 – It’s hard to concentrate, hard to connect with friends. We’re so tired. Everyone we repeat the events to is baffled. We go back to the hotel early to crash, stopping by the reception desk to ask them to please not put any calls through to our room.

Joy heads off to the Saturday Social and I relax in the bath.

The phone rings.

We didn’t order a pizza and we asked you not to direct calls to the room. This is harrassment.

Joy comes home early. I’m distraught. She stops by reception to give them a piece of her mind.

We don’t sleep much Saturday night either.

Sunday 17th March 2019 – The password resets. Email addresses, social media, blog.

I’m tired.

Easter weekend 2019 – More password resets.

Tired.

June 2019 – I’ve gone home to visit family for a few days. Unknown number calls, leaving a message about the gym induction I booked.

That I didn’t book.

I burst into tears and ask my mum why someone is doing this to me. Why they hate me.

They can’t hate me as much as I already hate myself.

Summer 2019 – My personal and work emails are signed up to

  • Christian prayer newsletters
  • Weight loss companies
  • Niche adult sex toy brands

I’m tired.

October 2019 – Missed calls and an email at work from a wedding venue in Cumbria Congratulations on your engagement. A few days later, missed calls and an email at work from a fertility clinic in Manchester, with the information you asked for. They are appalled when I contact them to curtly advise that someone has pretended to be me. The website form message from ‘me’ says I have pcos and am worried about my viability for having children in the future.

Have I mentioned that I’m tired?

I change my email address at work.

December 2019 – Postal spam from Tena Lady and a letter from a Harley Street Cosmetic Clinic. I grit my teeth and post them back to the sender, not known at this address.

This person knows where I live.

Friday 28th February 2020 – A catalogue for a caravan park in the Midlands arrives, addressed to a Mrs M Davies.

Weird.

Mr M Davies is my ex.

Sunday 1st March 2020 – A text from an unknown number congratulations on starting your weight loss journey.

I burst into tears.

I’m so tired.

Monday 2nd March 2020 – The pizza.

Tuesday 3rd March 2020 – The password resets.

I’m sure I slept normally once.

Who?
Back in the days when we were all convinced it would be over by the time I stepped off the platform at Piccadilly, I was more or less convinced it was the staff in the restaurant attached to the hotel – service had been poor and when they finally left the bill with us, I was infuriated that they’d added a service charge and refused to pay it. I’d paid by card, the same one I’d used to book the hotel, and so to me it made sense that an aggrieved employee might use that information to wreak a little havoc in my life. I said as much to the numerous managers we spoke to that weekend, who eventually refunded us £100 of our stay. We thought that was that.

Until it wasn’t.

Well it was and it wasn’t. There’d be weeks or months of nothing and I’d think “Well now it must be over. Phew.” And then there would be a call or an email and back to square one, suspicion, anxiety and nausea.

October was dogshit. Made me feel the absolute worst about myself. Reminded me that my bed is empty and my body malformed. That I am broken.

And why would immature bar staff take it that far over a £7 snub?

The fertility clinic contact came a few days after I’d commiserated with a fellow writer over the curse of PCOS, on my locked twitter account, with (at the time) fewer than 100 followers (I am now down to under 50). Using more or less the same words I had used.

Earlier on in this time period I’d had to come to the decision it was someone ‘in the industry’. It was the choice of adult products they’d signed me up for that gave them away. So niche. So indie. Bad Dragon, Jimmy Jane, Mystery Vibe. It’s one thing to have someone sign you up for Fleshlight updates when every hack comedian and his dog has a joke about them. The average person on the street probably wouldn’t be au fait with Bad Dragon and their anatomically correct mythical beast dildos. It’s a pretty specific territory.

This sort of ruled out the other suggestion – my ex and/or his family. Hate me though they did/do, it had been more than a year since the breakup when this started, and I can’t imagine making me miserable via the medium of visiting sex toy websites would be high on their agenda.

Consumed, I tried to think of every person I had slighted, rubbed up the wrong way or subtweeted about in the weeks and months leading up to this nightmare. There are many, beef is plentiful and you can’t get along with everyone. But is a brief bust up and a judicious soft block any justification for doing this to me? I didn’t doxx anyone or run over their dog. Can’t help feeling this is an overreaction of epic proportions, whoever it is.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

You might have noticed that I faded away. Restlessly, angrily, petulantly, but the days I was here were fewer and fewer, and angrier and angrier until it was less painful to leave entirely with occasional glances backwards.

And I couldn’t write at all. From 3-4 posts a month, between November 2019 and March 2020 I had made two entries, only one of which was fiction, the other being a brief note about letting go of a piece of jewellery with painful memories attached. For four months, all writing felt like torture, like Sarah Waters’ description of shitting a brick but worse. It wasn’t pleasurable any more. There was nothing left inside me that wasn’t sadness or self-loathing, and neither of those is the best source material for porn.

Besides, I couldn’t trust you any more. Occam’s razor – the simplest explanation is usually correct. The simplest explanation is another blogger is doing this to me. Another member of this community, which supported me when M broke up with me, that championed my work and praised me and cared for me. Now all I can see is you protecting this person who’s spent the last twelve months drip feeding poison into my life. I watch you interacting and how is that allowed when I’m miserable? How is this person still there, still accepted whilst I am isolated and angry? How is that fair?

It is irrational. I highly doubt an entire, international community of people has closed ranks to protect one bellend with a vendetta.

Still, I can’t help how I feel. The ache. Remembering how I used to feel as a part of it. The association of things I used to love with something that has made me feel worthless and small and lost and alone.

Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back
So what now? This is writing after all, and therefore blogging. I am doing my Subject Access Requests like a good girl. Refining my timeline for the police report (although Covid 19 might push it to the back of the queue somewhat). Feeling bruised, and tired – did I mention tired? But…. resilient, I guess.

And curious.

The cogs keep turning.

And maybe I won’t find out who this weaselly dickhead is. But if I do…

Just call me Shagatha Christie

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24 Comments

  1. All I can say is sorry. I don’t think I realized the full scope of what was happening then or now. I don’t know the source of this, but sadly you may be right that sometimes it’s the most obvious. I don’t know what I can do for you, but if there’s anything, please tell me. You are valued and valuable, and you’re part of my community.

    I’ll have to tell you my favorite memory of you from Eroticon my first year. I owe you a hug.

  2. I don’t have words of wisdom here. The whole thing is utterly chilling and whilst a year ago I would have said that I couldn’t believe it was someone we all know the evidence seems to be almost overwhelming that it is.

    I am glad you are filing a police report though and despite it all are feeling resilient.

    Also can you write filthy stories about Shagatha Christie?

    Molly

  3. My heart breaks for you. No wonder you are tired, I’m sorry you’re going through this but Go Shagatha Christie.

    You are wonderful and deserve a life free of abuse ❤️

  4. I had no idea about any of this and I am so sorry it’s happened and that you’ve felt so alone in it. It makes total sense to me that it’s hard to look at the community in the same way you once did. Definitely go Shagatha Christie on their ass. And I hope they get what’s coming to them over this.

  5. silverdom silverdom

    I am left feeling sorry and angry after reading this.

    I hope you find out what arsehole is doing this to you. It is awful that the evidence points at this community.

  6. eye eye

    The growing awareness that someone knows where you live and your movements is so chilling and I can only empathise and say that it’s awful and I hope you find the person who is going this soon. The only good thing I can say from my own experience is that the police do take this seriously and I hope you are getting good support there.

  7. Jesus Christ.

    I actually have goosebumps reading this entire post. I remember reading about the pizza incident last year. I really didn’t think I’d ever hear about it again.

    I really have no idea what to say to you except I really hope you find whoever is doing this.

    Sending you love x

  8. Starcross Starcross

    God, what an awful thing to be going through. Some people really are shrivelled with irrational hate. I had thought that this harassment had stopped shortly after Eroticon last year, I’m sorry that this person is still criminally targeting you in this way and that I hadn’t thought to check in. I had noticed your stepping back from social media and your magnificent writing – I’m all the more annoyed with this creature that they’re denying us your words. If there’s anything at all that you think I may be able to do to help, please do let me know. Please also know that you’ll be in my thoughts and, as far as is possible through the medium of Twitter, you’re not alone.

  9. ID ID

    I am so sorry to read that you are going through this. Tired must be an understatement. Absolutely horrific. I hope the person responsible is found and you can find peace again xx

  10. That all sounds terrifying. Especially since they know your home address. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. There are some messed up people in the world.

  11. I am so sorry. Reading this makes me wish there was something I could do.
    I hope that you soon will find peace and can rest nd stop being tired.

    I admire you for being so strong!

    Love
    Lilly

  12. Oh boy, that’s a lot…

    I’m so sorry that you had to go through all that, and maybe even the fact that it doesn’t appear to have finished. It’s both dismaying and terrifying at the same time – highlighting perfectly how far trolls are willing to go to make people’s lives as difficult as possible.

    You’d like to credit people with the necessary emotional intelligence to let things go, but some people don’t. It’s so petty.

    The person who’s been trolling me for years is someone I know, and I’ve narrowed it down to one or two people, but that took a lot of work. I hope, in some ways, that you work out who this is – but I know, from experience, that finding out might also hurt a little, especially if you find out it’s someone you use to trust!

    It’s a very fine line to tread. Going public here is probably a good idea – a problem shared, and all that…

    Do you think it’s another member of the sex blogging community? I’d like to be able to doubt that, but then the world isn’t divided into bad people and sex bloggers. There have been some… issues. (I’m not meaning to scare you here; by and large, our community is trustworthy!)

    As has been said above, you’re not alone. Stepped back though you may have, you still have social media, and there’a always going to be somebody who’ll listen.

  13. Zak Jane Keir Zak Jane Keir

    You poor thing, this is really horrible. I do remember it being mentioned last year, but I thought – as you did initially – that it was down to disgruntled hotel staff. *It may still turn out to be a member of the hotel staff.* There are people in this world who obsess over ways to harass others, it doesn’t take very much to set them off and it is not, unfortunately, all that difficult to find out enough information about a person to persist in harassing them if you have a starting point such as having had access to their bank card. I hope the person is found and prosecuted, I had a nuisance stalker some years ago; not on this level but tiresome enough. Sending you sympathy and solidarity.

  14. You poor thing. This really does sound like something very creepy and worthy of Psycho. I noticed you stepped away from blogging and were quiet, I think I commented on some fiction you wrote and we had a brief chat there. I’m so sorry to have been unawares of all that you’ve been going through. Taking it to the police is definitely the way to go but – as others have said – how chilling and isolating.

  15. I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with all of this and that it’s continuing. I really hope the police manage to get the person caught and dealt with. The personal attacks are awful and obviously tiring.
    Sending hugs.
    Missy x

  16. I lie here in bed, in the safety of my house, in our town, in our country and I try to imagine myself in your place, to imagine what you have gone through, to imagine how it would be if someone did this to me. Chills run down my back just thinking about this. It’s enough to make the most saner person go insane, and I am so terribly sorry you had to go – are going- through this. It’s horrible and so damn wrong. No one should ever want to this to anyone. I hope the police takes this extremely seriously and find the individual(s) doing this to you. So sorry, Kate, you are to kind a person to have to be dealing with this. Sending love.

    Rebel xox

  17. Have the police not been able to assist you? This sounds absolutely horrific and I hope you eventually get some help in finding the culprit and they are held accountable for the harassment and for their identity theft (I use that phrase for lack of a better one) I also hope you have friends and or family who are able to support you x

  18. It was shocking to read this. Why someone would spend so much time an energy inflicting this pain and suffering upon you is beyond belief. I hope the police are able to help you and that the culprit is caught.

  19. That is horrible. People can be so awful. I hope you get to the bottom of it at some point.

  20. Holy cheese and crackers…

    I was thinking about you and the case of the red hand again just the other day. When I read the line about the March 2 pizza arriving, my heart fell into my feet. Wow.

    I’m so sorry this mystery has been terrorizing you, and for this long. 🙁

    And hope that it can be solved ASAP so you mind find some damn rest already.

  21. This is horrendous Kate, to have someone erode your confidence and I’m guessing making you question your own sanity, ugh i can’t imagine, I’m so sorry to read all this. Like Eye said, hopefully the police will take it seriously.
    My heart is racing.
    so much love to you 😔

  22. […] Fuck You And The Pizza You Rode In On by Kate This post shocked me to the core. I was in bed when I read it, cozy and warm and safe, and I couldn’t even begin to understand just what Kate has gone through, and still is going through with being stalked like this. This is chilly and scary and just so wrong on too many levels. I hope they find who have been doing this to Kate, and punish them the way they definitely deserve. No one should ever do this to another human being! […]

  23. Holy shit! That’s terrifying! I’m so so sorry this is happening to you. I hope the police take this serious and find out who it is as your mental health is so important.

    Massive hugs from a newbie blogger and i hope karma gets the fucker doing it cause they deserve all the nasty shit for doing this 🙁

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